Sand
The world has been so different lately. The news, the current events, and everything on the media nowadays is just so different than what I was used to when I was little.
As a class of 2009, it is just so different, the moment I came out of the college. While in college, everyone is the same, we are all one of the students. But once we are out, some excel and become integral part of the management, some move on and become graduate students, some took over family businesses, and some become lost and never spoken to ever again. I sometimes wonder if all the other classes were the same as us. I guess the answer is yes and it’s just I have never paid any attention to.
It seems even funny as I am reflecting back to what I had done right and wrong, and they all seem so little to today that it almost doesn’t even matter. What exactly did I do in my 4 years of college life? I don’t seem to remember. I lived as if I walked my whole life in sand and as I move on, the waves from the ocean of time just rush in and erase all the trace I had made. I don’t have anything to look back on, to be proud of, and to feel that I had accomplished something and not a shame to my parents and to God.
You may say that if that is the case of what you feel, why don’t you start by doing something now? Make something out of yourself now. But there is something that I feel like only I know and no one else knows. There is something that is preventing me from seeing myself as equal as others. And until the day I am done with it, I will never be able to be as confident as I should be.
And because of it, I have this false sense of everything is useless, including me. Sometimes I even hope that 2012 will be true so that I don’t have to live anymore. I know this is wrong and I have to erase this thought out of my head, but it’s just part of my brain and I can’t stop it.
I really really hope I can just be alone and dwell myself into some music. But with family, it is so close yet so far away.
(Ayumi Hamasaki – Ballad)
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